Teri Hales 0:15 Welcome to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. I'm your host, certified religious transition and trauma recovery coach, Teri Hales. I help people step out of the shadows of religious fear and shame, and embrace their authentic selves with love and empathy. If you're ready to throw off the shackles of learned binary thinking, and explore a more nuanced approach to life, this is your playground. Teri Hales 0:51 Everybody Happy New Year! Teri Hales 0:53 Welcome back to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. It's so nice to be here with you again, after taking the last several weeks off, to sit to reflect to read. I've read so many books and I've journaled so much, and I have so many ideas. I'm so excited for 2023 and for all the places we're going to travel together in this podcast this year, we're going to explore topics together that are going to help us find more compassion for ourselves, more fulfillment in our lives, and create all kinds of relationships that feel meaningful and respectful. I'm brimming with ideas that will allow us to interact more together, answer questions in a live format, and create community and begin practicing the ideas we talk about in the podcast. And I can't wait to share them with all of you. Teri Hales 1:42 But as I pondered what I wanted to say to you today, on New Year's Day, I felt a strong desire to just pause today to take a minute and really just take inventory before we get going on our journey today. If you are anything like past me, and I know many of you are because we've had lots of conversations, you're probably feeling a lot of pressure to change and be different today to discard patterns of thought and behavior that are no longer serving you, to heal your wounded parts, to finally overcome the things that happened in your past. And many of you have written to me that you feel broken, and you just want to feel whole again. You may be tempted today to focus on how you can "fix" yourself once and for all. And the message that wants to come out of me today is that you're not broken. In fact, you're operating exactly the way we would expect you to operate after experiencing the things you've experienced. Your body is doing exactly what it's supposed to do. Your patterns of thought and behavior are trying to protect you from further harm. Now they did a great job. And we know that they work for you because you're here today. You're alive, you made it to adulthood. You're still functioning at least well enough to feed and clothe and shelter yourself. And many of you are providing these functions for others living under your roof with you. And just because you have these patterns of behavior and thought, just because this is the way younger you decided to cope, to deal with the things that you had to deal with, it doesn't mean that you're stuck thinking and behaving in the same way forever if you desire change. But it does mean that there's a reason why those things are there- a very valid reason. You're not weak, you're not broken, you're not malfunctioning, there's nothing wrong with you, you are operating exactly the way you're meant to. Teri Hales 3:55 So before we launch into the adventure of change and healing throughout this year, I find that sometimes it's helpful to spend some time listening to and attempting to understand the versions of us that got us here today, and to resist the urge to use that sharp whip of shame that many of us often approach the New Year with. So today, just a quick exercise - before you set the resolutions today, take some time to sit with the parts of you that engage in the thoughts and behaviors that have been bothering you. You know what I'm talking about. It's the part of you that often breaks your New Year's resolution. It's the part of you that almost feels like it possesses your adult body and blurts "Yes", when someone asks you to bake the cookies for the preschool Valentine's party before your conscious brain can remind you that this year you're giving yourself time to pause before making any commitments. It's the part of you that buys the great discounted chair even though the adult version of you put yourself on a budget, and that chair is definitely out of budget. It's the part that eats that quick bite of cake, or eight before you even process that you're on a sugar detox. We often interpret these slip ups with our boundaries- because that's what it is - these are slip ups with our boundaries with ourselves, as huge failures, but they're not. And we feel ashamed for being weak or undisciplined, when actually, these are really expected opportunities to learn more about these younger parts of ourselves. Like when we change our patterns, we can expect some resistance from the neural pathways we've created. We've done these things for a long time, because they've worked. And now we're making a commitment to change. And we will change. But there's going to be resistance because we've been used to doing things a certain way. There are parts of ourselves that have used these behaviors for protection, and to feel like they're in control, and to numb difficult feelings. So as we're setting new year's resolutions, if that's something you'd like to do, and please understand that you're not obligated to set new year's resolutions to be a good person, or a productive member of society. If it serves you, if it feels like something that you want to do, do make room for this pushback and understand that when you get this pushback, when you feel like this part of you kind of hijacks your plans, understand that it doesn't mean that you're weak or undisciplined. This is expected. Embrace it, be like, "Oh, there you are. Okay, let's talk". It's a great opportunity to learn more about this part of you that feels like it needs the eight bites of cake that feels like it needs to buy the discounted chair when it's way outside your budget, that feels like it needs to say yes when maybe you need some time to decide if that's really something you want to do. Or if you have time, or energy to do that. Every time we slip up, it is a great opportunity for us to learn about what works for us and what doesn't, and why we engage in the behaviors we do and what triggers us. So when you break these boundaries with yourself, it's like a cue to get curious with the part that did it and learn more about what these parts need to work with you on your goal. Because you're working together, all the different parts of you are working together for change. Teri Hales 7:41 So get curious, what age does these parts feel like they are? When did they start this pattern of thought or behavior? Like sit with that. When can you first remember doing this? And if you can't remember when it began, that's okay. What triggers the thought or behavior? Do you notice a pattern? Does this happen every single time you're around a specific person? Does it happen when you're sleepy? Does it happen when you're stressed? Does it happen when the weather is a certain way? I noticed when I lived in England that when it's dark and cold and rainy, there are certain behaviors I am more likely to engage in that I wouldn't if it was sunny and warm outside. So notice things like that. What is triggering the thought or behavior? And do you notice any patterns? It might help to keep a journal. I noticed that whenever I keep journal entries of every time I'm having a learning moment, like "Okay, today, this didn't work. This is what happened leading up to it. This is how I was feeling. This is what the weather was like. These are all of the ingredients I can think of that might have had something to do with the behavior I engaged in. And this is what I think is going on". And I'll kind of write about that and allow myself to get curious in writing. And the reason I like writing is because then I can go back and look for patterns. So the next time it happens, I can go back to the time it happened before that and see if there's any similarities. It really does help me get to know these parts of myself better. What is going on? What are the common threads? Because the more I know about my triggers, the more I can plan for those. So if I know that every time it's dark and cold and rainy, or snowy like it is today, that I am more likely to engage in certain behaviors, then I can either plan for that and know okay, I'm gonna feel this way, but these are the things that I've tried on in the past that have helped me get through that feeling. Or I can give myself permission. Like today, it is dark and cold and snowy and tomorrow it's going to be sunny again, but today I'm going to feel like wrapping up in a blanket. I'm going to feel like reading. I'm not going to feel like doing a lot of exercise. And I'm not gonna feel like eating a ton of salad. But I might like vegetable soup. How can I, you know, work with that part of myself in a way that meets both of our needs? I have a part of me that needs comfort whenever it's dark and cold and rainy. And I have a part of me that wants to make sure that I'm getting the vitamins and nutrients I need and that I'm moving my body and then I'm stretching. And then what behaviors can we try on that might meet their need and our need at the same time? Like, how can we negotiate with this part? And so, it's so helpful to keep a journal because you can go back and be like, okay, yeah, this is a recurring pattern. This is what I think I'm trying to get when I do this thing. Is there a way that I can still meet that need that still serves adult me as well? Teri Hales 10:55 And then how did this behavior or thought pattern help them feel safe, numb or in control? So back when it was created, if you know, when it was created, and maybe it was created in utero, maybe it was something from the time you were a little, little, little kid, and you can't remember. But think back to your earliest memories of this behavior? How did overspending help you feel comforted or in control? Or how did it help you avoid something that feels really scary or shameful? So I know, we've talked about some of the money issues that I've had in my family, there were a lot of indoctrinated messages I received as a child, that money was evil and bad, and that people that had it turned into like sleaze balls. And so of course, I was not great with my money in my 20s and through my mid 30s because I didn't want to be a sleazeball. I didn't want to be a bad person. So of course, if as I started to, you know, do well with money or investments, I would do something stupid to offset that, so that I would never get to a place where I was financially secure. And so we're going to talk about a whole bunch of these like common issues for the next six months, we're going to be talking about sex, we're going to be talking about money, we're going to be talking about boundaries and relationships. We're going to be talking about getting curious with our values. We're going to be talking about, you know, all these things that we often set new year's resolutions about, they're usually patterns that come from our earlier childhood that have been trying to keep us safe. Teri Hales 12:35 If you've had a long term struggle with boundaries, or people pleasing, or perfectionism, or over achieving, or food or money or exercise relationships, emotional dysregulation, or anything else, it is almost guaranteed that there's a younger part of you at play. And these behaviors help them feel safe, numb, or in control. So of course, when you begin to change these behaviors, these parts of you are going to test your limits, just like the child that they are. Just like a child would test your limits, if you tell them that they can't have their Nintendo Switch at 10pm when they're getting ready to go to bed, or cookies for breakfast on the regular when they're used to you always caving if they throw a big enough tantrum. So that's what this part of you is doing. It's throwing a tantrum, it's crossing your boundaries, it wants to see if you're serious, it wants to see if you're willing to work with it. Or if you're going to give up and just allow them to run rampant. Teri Hales 13:40 And the cool thing is, is even if you've set the same New Year's resolution, let's say there's something that's been bothering you for a decade, and you keep setting a resolution like I'm going to change it this year. No, this year is the year I'm going to do it no, this year. I encourage you to just tweak this one little thing. Recognize, first of all, that these parts of you are not malfunctioning. They're serving a purpose. And that's so important to understand if we want to change behavior, these things are serving a purpose. The second thing that is so important to tweak is to understand that they're going to test your boundaries. These parts of you that are used to getting their way, that are used to protecting themselves in this way, that are used to comforting themselves in this way. They're going to test your boundaries, because this is what they're used to and they've done this for decades. And they're going to keep pushing, hoping that you'll cave and it's okay for you to recognize that sometimes you will cave because we're all human, and this is the way you've dealt with discomfort and pain for a while now. So give yourself permission to be like occasionally. I'm going to break my promise to myself, I'm going to cross my boundaries before I even recognize what's happening. And when that happens, make a commitment to yourself to get curious. So instead of going into the shame spiral that I know many of us perfectionists do, give yourself permission to say, "Okay, I fell off, I expected this. This means there's a part of me that is missing or craving this behavior. Let's look at it. What happened that triggered that part? Why did I feel the compulsion? Because that's kind of what it is, right? It's a little bit of a compulsion at that moment. Why did I feel that? And what need are they trying to meet? How did it help them feel safe? Or how did it help them numb difficult emotions? Or how did it help that part of me feel in control?" Teri Hales 15:56 And sit down with it and figure out, Is there a healthier way for me to meet that need in the future? And make a plan. I find that it's really helpful if I talk with this part as if it's another person. So if this part of me feels like it is eight years old, and it is engaging in a behavior that feels really disruptive to me as an adult- Teri Hales 16:21 because something else is coming to mind is, I want you to think about your own children, if you have kids, okay, or if you have nieces and nephews, or if you know kids, you work with kids- are kids worried about adult issues on the regular? They're not. The child version of yourself is not worried about your adult issues. It's not worried about the fact that heart disease runs in your family or that your cholesterol is high. It's not worried about your retirement. It is thinking from a very child perspective. All it thinks about is the here and now. A lot of these parts of ourselves that are engaging in these behaviors are teenagers or younger. And so this part of you, is not thinking about you retiring in 20 years. This part of you is not thinking about diabetes, it's not thinking about heart disease. It's not thinking about joint health. It's not thinking about any of that. It's thinking about the here and now and what feels good now, because that's how children think. And so I find that it helps to consider this part of me as a separate person that is that age. And I sit down with it. And I just I talk with it. And I say, "hey, it kind of seems like you're afraid right now, or overwhelmed, or ashamed? And is there something you want to tell me about that? Like, what is this like for you". Teri Hales 17:52 And what I do is I try to like, open up some safe space for them to express their feelings, because usually the parts of me that are engaging in these behaviors never got to process feelings. And so they turned to behaviors and thought patterns in order to like, deal with those big feelings that got stuffed. So I sit down with them, and I just say, "hey, it feels like you're feeling afraid, or you're feeling overwhelmed, or stressed or ashamed. Can you tell me about that? What's going on for you? What are you afraid will happen? What are you feeling ashamed about? What are you feeling guilty about? What's overwhelming you". And so when these things happen, sit down, try to create a non judgmental, curious space to just allow those parts of me to speak. Teri Hales 18:48 Now, sometimes these parts of us are going to speak to us immediately, and sometimes they won't yet feel safe with us. And either is okay. When your parts don't feel comfortable speaking to you, that's also information. Chances are, there's another part of you that's hyper critical of that part. And if you need some more information about this, go listen to episodes 68 and 69 from last year about parts work and how to help these protector parts. So you might have like a really hyper critical part of yourself that won't let this like younger child self speak. It might criticize it, it might try to shut it up. It might shame it. And it can make this part feel unsafe, because every time it tries to speak- and it's usually like a parenified part that steps in or an authority part. So it could be like a church authority that you had in your childhood or a parental figure or a grandparent figure or it could be like an aunt or an uncle or a teacher, but it's usually like some more adult authority that has a voice that steps in and like shames you or tries to get you to shut up or to like suck it up. It's usually a voice like that. So if you have a protector part, it is a part of you, it's not your actual coach, your actual parent, your actual church leader - it is a part of you that adopted their voice, to keep this other vulnerable part of you in check, to keep it silent. So it could keep it safe. So you're gonna have this protector part that is trying to suppress this other part. You might not have that part but if you do, it's okay. That's more information. And what you can do is you can work with that protector part first, again, go listen to episode 68 and 69. And then once that part feel safe with you, once that part feels like "okay, you can tolerate, you're not going to abandon or hurt the part that I'm trying to protect by keeping it in the quiet and in the closet", it'll be able to move to the side, and then you can work with this vulnerable part. Teri Hales 20:56 So letting this vulnerable part of you know that you're honestly interested in getting to know them, and understand their needs. And you just, you're gonna want to keep showing up. It's almost like fostering a child, it takes time to build trust, especially if they've been through some trauma. So you're gonna keep showing up, you're going to keep creating safe space. And as they test your limits, because they will as they continue to push back, and you continue to show up and create loving space for them, they will begin to speak to you. They'll begin to trust you. And they'll begin to tell you what's actually going on for them, how they feel, and why these behaviors and thoughts that you're engaging in that you've been trying to overcome by just you know, setting a resolution- why these things keep cropping up for you and how it helps them feel comforted or numb, or like they're in control again. Teri Hales 21:54 So what I urge us all to do before we hop into the new year, and all of the new exciting things that are coming, today can we just get curious? Can we understand that the behaviors and thoughts that we engage in are there for a valid reason, that they're trying to protect us and keep us safe. That doesn't mean that we don't set goals, we can say, "hey, this is something I want to work with. I would really love to create a healthier behavior or thought pattern in this area of my life. And I understand that I engage in this for a reason. There's a part of me that uses this behavior or thought pattern to keep me safe. And so when this part pushes back when this part tries to cross my own personal boundaries, I'm going to get curious with it. I'm going to create safe, non judgmental space with it. I'm going to sit with it and ask it questions until I understand its reality. And then I'm going to work together with it to create a plan when it feels triggered to both meet its needs for safety and control and to meet my own adult needs, for health, for relationship, for financial wellness, for boundaries, for whatever it is". This is my wish for all of us. I have so many exciting things to tell you in the next podcast. But that is it for today. Thank you for joining me. Happy New Year to you all. May we go kindly and compassionately into 2023 with ourselves and all of our various inner parts. We'll see you next Sunday.