Teri Hales  0:15  
Welcome to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. I'm your host, certified religious transition and trauma recovery coach, Teri Hales, I help people step out of the shadows of religious fear and shame, and embrace their authentic selves with love and empathy. If you're ready to throw off the shackles of learned binary thinking, and explore a more nuanced approach to life, this is your playground.

Teri Hales  0:51  
Hello, welcome back to the last episode of this season of the Emancipate Your mind Podcast, I can't believe that it is already the end of the season. I remember starting in January, and just feeling like we had so much year ahead of us. And now here we are, right close to the holidays, ready to hop into November. And this is just insane to me, what a year it's been. I've learned so many things. And we've come so far as a podcast, we've had some amazing interviews, we've covered lots of topics. I've gotten to know so many of you. As I was really thinking about wrapping up for the year, I was just going over all of our successes and all of the wins. And all of the things I've learned in all the ways we've grown and all the ways you have told me that this podcast has helped you and helped you feel less alone and helped you grow and stretch and discard things that aren't serving you anymore, and embrace things that serve you better. 

Teri Hales  1:52  
And I just thought, what better way to end the season, then with an episode about celebrating yourself. Celebrating yourself is something that many of us have a difficult time doing. A lot of us were taught to share our struggles, but to keep our wins close to our chest, and to only pull them out in private and look at them in private. And we were taught that if we celebrated ourselves that it was arrogance or vanity, or that we might make other people feel badly because they don't have what we have, or they're not where we're at. And we're going to kind of just take all of that, bring it up into our awareness and really examine it, and hopefully come out with a healthier solution. Because I don't know about you, but for me, only sharing my losses and trying to only take credit for the things that I've done wrong really didn't do a lot for my self worth. And not only that, it made me feel awkward about accepting compliments. It made me feel awkward about being the center of attention. It made me feel awkward about success. And honestly, it made it harder for me to receive and to achieve the things that I really wanted in life. 

Teri Hales  3:06  
So in order to start this episode, we're going to rewind back in time, and I'm going to bring you onto BYU campus with me. I was sitting in an auditorium classroom with 50 other students and, and walking back and forth at the front of the classroom was a middle aged man with white hair that I grew to love and respect. And his name was Dr. Marshall. And I remember in one of the very first classes of a class on healthy family dynamics, which was a cutting edge study back in 2000. He asked us the question, he asked us the question in his clear tenor voice. He said, How many of you still wake up every morning, and celebrate the fact that you graduated high school. And it got really, really quiet. And everybody looked around and no one was raising their hand. I mean, all of us were probably 20 at the time. And he said, You spent 12 years of your life getting to your high school graduation. And you're telling me that for many of you a year or two or three away from that big event, that big achievement, you're not still celebrating that. And many of us were like, "No, no, we're not". And he said, "this is why it's so important to celebrate the doing as well as the achieving". He said you will spend most of your life on the journey of doing and only a brief moment achieving. And he said we deserve to celebrate ourselves and celebrating ourselves is necessary for the achieving. And I just have thought about that for the past 21 years. Dr. Marshall was something special. He often had us go and take the things we learned in class and teach them to others, which is why I remember so much of what he taught to me. He also taught me to question a lot of conventional wisdom about healthy respectable people, and healthy respectable families. I wouldn't realize it until decades later, but the seeds he planted in that class bloomed into some of the beginnings of this podcast. And so Dr. Marshall planted the seed for the idea that it was okay to celebrate along the way. But it really hasn't been until the last few years that I've realized how important that is, when it comes to religious deconstruction and reconstruction. 

Teri Hales  5:37  
Recently, I've talked with a bunch of people online who have just told me they wanted to be healed already, so that they can go on with their lives. And the thing that kept coming up for me is what if healing? What if growing? What if learning? What if expanding isn't a one and done thing? What if that doesn't exist? What if this is the work of our lives? What if we will always be pursuing something? Because as humans, we're curious, we want to grow, we want to learn, we never arrive? What if it was never about arriving, and it's always been about the journey. If we're waiting to arrive, we never get to celebrate how much we've learned or how far we've come or how much we enjoy now that we used to dream of not very long ago, some of these people I've been talking to think that healing is about becoming worthy, or enough for me when I hear that it's another form of perfectionism. And we've talked about that in the perfectionism episode, this season. There's this idea that if I completely heal everything, which that is totally a myth, we're always going to be learning and growing, we're always going to be shedding things that no longer fit us and embracing things that serve us better. But there's this idea that if I completely heal everything, then there won't be any reason for others not to love or like me. And doesn't that sound so much like perfectionism? If I just do it perfect enough, then no one can reject me. Everybody will have to like me, everyone will have to accept me. And really the biggest person we're looking for is ourselves to like, and love us. And I think there's that same idea with healing some times of when I'm fully healed, then there won't be any reason for me not to love or like me. I think many of us are angry at the things that have happened to us. But I also think many of us are angry at ourselves, for our part in what happened. We're angry, we stayed for so long, we're angry, we didn't question more. We're angry we carried out those things, and affected other people's lives. We're angry that we acted the way we acted. I tell people all the time, I was the nicest asshole you would ever meet.

Teri Hales  8:01  
I was doing the best I could. But I was judgmental. And I was elitist. And I was a perfectionist and a people pleaser. And I was so hard on myself that I was so hard on other people. And yeah, there are times I look back at that version of me. And there are times that I feel really bad about the ways that I spilled judgment, and even shame on other people because I was living with so much judgment and shame. Maybe that's true for you, too. But healing isn't about me earning worthiness. I'm already worthy. I was worthy back when I was the really nice asshole. I'm worthy now. And I'm worthy in the future, no matter what happens. My behavior back then made sense. I had been raised with a lot of pressure, a lot of expectation, a lot of judgment. And my way of dealing with that was to try to conform and I kept myself in line with judgment and shame. It makes sense that I acted the way I did. It still makes me feel sad that I pass that on to others. But that doesn't make me less worthy of love and belonging in the moment. I was doing my very best. My best was not great, because I was under so much pressure and so much shame myself. My best was not great, my best did harm others. And I was worthy of love and belonging. I was worthy of empathy. I was worthy of compassion. I was suffering myself. I can forgive myself for doing my best. Even though it wasn't great. I can do the same for myself now. I can do the same for myself in the future. 

Teri Hales  9:47  
Healing is not about earning worthiness. It's not about being lovable enough. It's not about being likable enough. It's not about what other people think of us. We heal because we feel better. Healing and doing the work to grow is about getting more of what we want. It's about creating a life that feels good for us. That feels healthy for us. That feels empowering, and peaceful, and joyful. We grow because it feels good. It feels fun, it feels exciting. It's hard. Yeah. But the results give us more of what we want. That's why we grow, we don't grow, to become worthy. We're already worthy of love and belonging, we've always been worthy. That is our birthright, we brought with us onto this planet when we're born. We carry it with us throughout our entire life. It cannot be taken from us through trauma, no matter what trauma we undergo, our worthiness cannot be taken from us, we always have it. We might not believe in it. Other people may treat us like we don't have it. But we never lose our worthiness, we are always worthy of love and belonging, we are always worthy of rest of success, of receiving good things. We are worthy, we can be indoctrinated otherwise, but we are worthy. And our worthiness never leaves us no matter what we believe. 

Teri Hales  11:17  
The cool thing that I've learned is when we start treating ourselves as if we're worthy of love, worthy of celebration, worthy of recognition, worthy of receiving attention for the great that we already are, then growing becomes a joy and not a chore. It's not some "to do" that we have to do in order to be lovable. We are already lovable. So any growth that happens is simply for the joy of it, for the benefit of what it will bring to us, for the excitement of discovery. Healing becomes more likely when we're approaching our journey from this place. When it's something that benefits us when it's something that feels good, we're more likely to do it. And success- whatever definition we give that term we realize is already here - and more of it is inevitable. When we realize we're already worthy of love and belonging, there's already something to celebrate, that we're already a completely unique marvel,  that we have completely unique gifts- challenges too, yes - but completely unique gifts, there's already something to celebrate. There's already success in our life. There's already something here worthy of recognition. And when we realize that we make more of that possible in the future. Growing, healing, reaching, it's not about becoming more worthy. It's about expanding our capacity to receive more goodness. 

Teri Hales  12:55  
One of my favorite speakers, Lisa Nichols said, "What gets celebrated, gets repeated". She says we're all like little kids in adult bodies. And I know you've heard me talk about our inner child before, but I want you to think about a toddler. Think about when they're potty training, what we celebrate gets repeated. Think about when they are learning to walk, what we celebrate gets repeated. Think about when we're teaching them to read, when we're teaching them their alphabet, when we're teaching them to write, what gets celebrated gets repeated, and we are no different. What we celebrate in ourselves get repeated. 

Teri Hales  13:39  
We get where we want to go by repeating behaviors that bring us closer to empowerment, to peace, and to happiness. In order to make it likely will repeat those behaviors, we need to celebrate them as they happen. So I want to do a little exercise with you, a little celebration exercise, if you will. I want you to think back to where you were this time last year. And if that's hard if it's hard to make a distinction between this year and last year, think back five years ago, think back 10 years ago. What progress have you made in any area of life? Where have there been changes that feel good to you? Where is life better? Really recognize that and make a commitment to yourself to celebrate that. In fact, if you want to pause right now, if you want to do a little victory shout, a victory dance, if you want to write it down, if you want to share it with someone, if you just want to take a moment and revel in that good feeling of how far you've come. Do that. Pause me turn off my voice. Spend some time with you celebrate how far you've come. You have already made so much progress on the journey that deserves recognition. It deserves celebration, it deserves to be brought into the light and if you feel comfortable it deserves to be shared. 

Teri Hales  15:07  
If you want to go over to the Facebook group, we are going to be continuing discussions throughout November and December even without a podcast. The Facebook group is in the show notes or you can go to Facebook and look up Emancipate Yourself. The group is called emancipate yourself the cover art looks very much like the cover art for this podcast. Go over there and share your wins. What is something positive? What is something that feels good? What is a celebration you want to share with others? And let us celebrate you and how far you've come. 

Teri Hales  15:39  
Sometimes we get stuck on how do we celebrate ourselves? What does that mean to celebrate ourselves? Does it need to be something big and grandiose like a big trip or a big celebration? big party with everybody there? No, it doesn't. I recommend celebrating the small things. What went well today? What went well, this week? What went well, this month? Keep a success journal or a hype book about the things that go right in your daily life. Record your successes. Recording what you've done well is a way to celebrate and added benefit - Whenever you're having one of those crappy days where you feel like you are no good at anything, and nothing is going right and you haven't made any progress. You can go back and read your wins. And it does lift your mood it reminds you have come so far, you are not back at square one, you have added so many tools to your tool belt. You've made so much progress you've had so many wins, there are so many reasons to celebrate, there are so many reasons you have celebrated. And it can give us the fortitude and the motivation to keep going today. If today is one of those days where nothing seems to be going right, you're overwhelmed, you feel like you're not good at anything. And we all have those days, we all have days where we're just overwhelmed with life. And it feels like nothing is going our way. And we feel like big fat failures- that happens to all of us. On those days, look at your success journal or your hype book, and remind yourself of everything that you've had to celebrate up to this point. 

Teri Hales  17:17  
Another big way that we celebrate is by receiving the compliments of others, and allowing them to actually penetrate into our heart. I know so many times in the past people would compliment me and I would get uncomfortable and just kind of "Thank you, thank you" and kind of push it away. "Oh, thanks. That's so nice of you". But I wouldn't let it in. Allow yourself to receive the compliment. Allow yourself to believe the compliment. Don't deflect it. Receive the good things others say about you. And just like in the last suggestion, record those things when you get a chance. Record the positive reviews. Record the ways that people say that you bless their lives. Record the compliments that people give you on a daily basis about how you show up in the world or how you cook or the art you create or how you parent or what kind of spouse you are, what kind of sister you are, or just how good of a listener you are, or how calm and peaceful you make people or how much fun you are. Allow those things to sink in. Allow yourself to receive them. 

Teri Hales  18:29  
And as an added bonus, write them down. I have a hype book- I think we've talked about this in some of my previous episodes- but when you send me a compliment, when someone tells me that coaching has really made a difference in their life, or someone has said that an idea I've come up with is profound in his bless their life, I write it down. Because inevitably, I'll struggle when I'm creating or something won't come easily or I will feel like I'm nothing special. And it's in those moments, I can go back to these compliments and remind myself, "No, there are things that I add to this world that are uniquely me". And I can celebrate myself in that moment reading through these comments again, and it gives me fortitude and it gives me motivation to keep going and to keep adding whatever small gifts I can add to the world. To bless whatever lives I can bless, to do my part to add whatever I can add to the world to make it a better place and to follow my passion, to follow my conviction and to just keep going. Celebration allows us to keep going. 

Teri Hales  19:41  
The third one is to share our wins with others. I know all of the suggestions. This one was the most uncomfortable for me because I was taught that sharing my wins with others was bragging. I was taught that when I told people about things that were going well in my life, it might make them feel bad about theirs. I was told that sharing victories was arrogance. And that people who were humble and modest were more likeable. I don't know if you were taught the same thing, but my guess is many of you were. But here are some of the things I've learned about sharing victories. First of all, let's talk about the difference between arrogance and celebration. 

Teri Hales  20:23  
Arrogance or bragging actually, is when we try to set ourselves above others as a way to make ourselves feel better about our worth. Arrogance and bragging actually comes from a sense of low self worth. We don't feel like we're enough, there's a worthiness gap in our lives, and we're trying to fill that gap. And we do it by trying to set ourselves above others. We're trying to prove to ourselves and to everyone around us, that we're worthy of love and belonging, by broadcasting, like, "see how good I am at this and see how good I am at this, praise me, elevate me, love me". It feels like a cry for help to me when I see someone being arrogant or bragging because I know that that person very likely sees the world in a winners versus losers scenario. It's a very binary scenario in which there are some people who are winners, and some people who are losers. And they're so afraid that they're a loser, that they have to tell everyone that they're a winner, they have to amplify the things that they're doing well, to show that they're better than you. And that's really the distinction. There is- It's a competition feeling when we're being arrogant and bragging. It's because we're trying to compete, we're trying to show that we're better than we see the world as people who are worthy, and people who aren't. And it sees success and celebration, love and worthiness even, as limited commodities. And I find that people who are arrogant are worried that if they don't get theirs first, if they don't broadcast theirs loud enough, then there won't be any love, belonging, success, or celebration left for them. 

Teri Hales  22:08  
Celebrating ourselves, on the other hand, I find, comes from an understanding that we are all completely unique miracles of life. Every single person on this planet is worthy of love and belonging. We are all so incredibly different, and so valuable, and so needed. We all have a special gift we bring to the world that no one else can replicate. There is no one else on the planet that will talk about religious transition the way I talk about religious transition, because no one has the background I have, no one has the passion for the different subjects that I have, and no one is me. There will never ever be another Teri Hales, but there will never be another one of you either. Whatever your passion is, whatever it is that you are uniquely gifted at, there is no one that will ever do it like you. And that deserves to be celebrated. We are all so incredibly valuable because of that. And that deserves celebration. 

Teri Hales  23:17  
Celebrating ourselves comes from an understanding that we all also struggle occasionally. I've shared my struggles with you. I'm on the journey with you. I am no better and no worse than any person listening to this podcast. We're all in this together. We're all learning together. We're all struggling together. We're all healing together. And we are all doing freaking amazing things together. Those things deserve to be celebrated. Even when we're in the midst of struggle, maybe especially when we're in the midst of struggle, looking for those small wins to celebrate. When we're healing religious trauma, and we're trying to overcome a lifetime of indoctrination, it's so important to have those bright moments, those little pieces of sparkle in the middle of the gloom, in the middle of the hard, in the middle of the suck. It's so important that we look for those small wins and celebrate them. And it's so important that we share them. There is no arrogance in celebrating your unique wins from this perspective, because you see yourself as equal to your fellow travelers. And there's something so inspiring when we share our wins from this place. I want you to think about someone you know that feels like a fellow traveler on the path of life who is sharing their wins. Do you feel affronted by them or inspired by them? When you're in the dark when you're in the trenches, and you know someone has been there and they're still on the path with you and they're celebrating that they have gotten out of the trench or they're getting out of the trench, doesn't that feel inspiring? Doesn't it feel motivating? Doesn't give you a little hope, a little match light in the dark, a reason to keep going? Our wins when celebrated honestly can become catalysts for others wins, which when celebrated can fuel our own next wins.

Teri Hales  25:26  
This is not me celebrating my wins to motivate you. This isn't a one way street, this is I celebrate my wins and hopefully it illuminates your wins, which hopefully you'll share. And that will illuminate my next wins. And we will continue to inspire one another, to do greater and greater things- to live freer, more empowered, more happy and joyful lives. We change the world when we do that, because we change each other's lives. And our lives change other lives. It's a ripple effect of light, a ripple effect of self worth and love, a ripple effect of self celebration. And celebrating with others. John F. Kennedy, or at least this is attributed to john F. Kennedy said a rising tide lifts all boats. Your wins lift me. My wins lift you. All of our collective wins make the world a better place. And it lifts everyone in our circle of influence. And hopefully it lifts them to have more wins and to celebrate their wins. And we all rise together. When we celebrate from this place of "I am worthy of love and belonging. I'm worthy of success, I'm worthy of receiving good things, I'm worthy of celebration. And so are you". Arrogance comes from either-or, "I win and you lose, or you win and I lose, and there's not enough win for both of us. So I'm going to amplify my win because if your win is bigger than I'm a loser" - that's arrogance. And if my win is bigger, you're a loser. But celebration comes from a place of as I speak my wins it makes your wins more likely and your wins make my wins more likely, and we all win together. It is that rising tide lifts all boats mentality. 

Teri Hales  27:27  
My deepest desire when I started this podcast back in January, when I dreamed of it two years before I actually started it, my hope was that somehow in sharing a very honest journey and a passion for research and speaking, a passion for storytelling- you would find light, kinship, connection. You would feel seen and understood. You would be able to find yourself, celebrate and love yourself as I went on my own journey to do the same for me. And hopefully, in sharing those stories and sharing those wins those aha moments, those successes, the things that I've researched, it's inspired you. But the thing that has been most surprising for me this year, is as I've shared, you've shared in return. And I have been forever touched this year from the things that you've shared. The moments of self compassion you've shared with me. The moments of self love. The moments where you felt like you got to draw closer to your children, or to your significant other. The moments where you came out of the closet, and you felt proud of yourself. The moments or you set boundaries. The moments where you extricated yourself from codependency. The moment you sought therapy, even though it was so difficult. The moments you held yourself with compassion and tenderness as you went through divorce, or as you lost parents. The moments where you held yourself with curiosity and eliminated judgment, as you experienced difficult emotions. These are the wins. These are the gems I've collected this year. It's been amazing to me. 

Teri Hales  29:18  
Here we are the end of October. By next week, we'll have 10,000 downloads- more than double what I thought would happen, more than double than my wildest dreams for this year. I had a goal for 5000 downloads by December, I thought we would struggle to get there. And instead, we've ended up with 10,000 downloads and you are sharing with your friends and your family and with people in your communities. And it's just growing every single day. We now have an average listener base of 283 every single week, and that's just crazy to me mind blowing to me, I feel so grateful. And that's not the biggest celebration. The biggest celebration isn't how many people have listened. The biggest celebration is hearing how this has affected your personal life. Because my goal when I started this was first to change my life, right? That's always the first goal. How do I learn? How do I grow? How do I expand and get more of what I want? But the second goal was, can I touch the life of one other person? And there are hundreds of you who have shared your stories this year. And I feel so incredibly privileged to have been the one to receive those stories. And to celebrate with you. 

Teri Hales  30:38  
You have made my 2021 something absolutely precious and unique. And I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful for this podcast. And for all of this scary stuff that I did in order to create the podcast. This has been a growth experience. It's been imperfect. I've failed many times. I have learned so much and I just can't help but feel this huge swelling in my chest that I got to be a part of that this year. And I'm so looking forward to next year. 

Teri Hales  31:15  
Season Two will start on January 2. I believe that Sunday- Sunday, January 2- it'll be the same time, same format. I would love to hear from you. Please, please comment on my social media messages, like come over to the Facebook group or send me an Instagram message. My Instagram is @EmancipatedMolly. Come over and tell me what you want to hear about in 2022. I am setting the schedule. And I'm reaching out to people I'd like to interview. Some of them are like, way beyond my wildest dreams for who I might get to interview. But we can take a shot in the dark. I am more than happy to contact people that could very well tell me no or just ignore me altogether. 

Teri Hales  31:57  
But tell me who you want to hear from. What subjects would you love to hear about? I want to talk about sex this upcoming year. I want to talk about racial issues. I want to talk about Native American issues with religion. I want to talk about LGBTQ issues. I want to talk more about relationships and more about parenting. I want to talk about money issues and working as a woman. I want to talk about all of these different things. But I want to hear from you. What do you want to hear? What would be the next step in your journey? What is the thing that just keeps coming up that you keep struggling with? Please tell me because not only am I lining up this whole next year of podcasting, but I'm also creating an app. 

Teri Hales  32:46  
I just wrapped up my beta group for the app, the beta version is live you guys you can go and look at the Emancipate Yourself app on Apple. It is up it is live. We are getting it on Google Play here very soon as well. But you can go and look for the Emancipate Yourself app. And there is a seven day free trial if you want to go ahead and get started with the beta. I am getting so many reviews coming back from my beta group testers, that what is up there now was life changing for them. The program that is up now is a six week program, you can go ahead and start it. I'm getting so many warm fuzzies. So many things to put in my hype book, so many compliments so many victories, from people saying that the program the way it is, even though there are so many changes I want to make to it. The program, the way it is, has been life changing, it has helped people get back in touch with themselves to figure out who they are, what they believe, what they value what they want. And to hold themselves through that process of becoming, which can be so difficult with the limiting beliefs. There's all kinds of help there for that. But by mid November, you're going to start seeing the alpha versions come out. I don't even know if that's what you say, are the alpha versions, the gamma versions, I don't even know. But the next version, the next improved version is coming out mid November. And it's just going to get better and better. But everything you share with me about what you want, we're taking into consideration for courses, because we are going to be creating courses from now until forever until we run out of ideas about what we're going to create courses for. We want to provide as many resources as possible to help walk you through this very difficult process and help you feel less alone. That was the whole point of the podcast. It is now the whole point of the app and I look forward to 2022 and continuing to hear your victories. As we all succeed and when together. Your victories feed me hopefully my victories feed you and we link hands and we all rise together. That is my deepest, most sincere hope is that we all rise together.

Teri Hales  35:04  
I will see you. This is so weird to say. so grateful and I will see you in January of 2022. Until then, have the happiest of holidays no matter what holiday or non holiday you celebrate. May you have a wonderful time-  May you reach out if the holidays are hard and find support and love and companionship. May you take up space. May you receive what you need. May you always know- no matter what, that you are worthy of love and belonging now and always. I will see you in 2022 Thank you for listening