Teri Hales 0:15 Welcome to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. I'm your host, certified religious transition and trauma recovery coach, Teri Hales. I help people step out of the shadows of religious fear and shame and embrace their authentic selves with love and empathy. If you're ready to throw off the shackles of learned binary thinking and explore a more nuanced approach to life, this is your playground. Teri Hales 0:51 Hello, welcome back to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. This week, we're talking about one of my very favorite topics. This is something that I have studied inside and out now for probably close to eight years. And so it was one of the easiest podcasts ever to put together. But the reason I'm really wanting to address this topic this week is because it's coming up a lot in my one-to-one sessions, particularly as we're approaching the holidays. Teri Hales 1:20 I know, when I was going through religious transition, when I was beginning to deconstruct, there was a deep sense of loneliness. And that only seemed to increase over the holidays. Things that used to make me feel like I was a part of something bigger, the traditions that used to bind me to my family, the traditions that used to bind me to my sense of religious identity no longer fit, and it left me feeling lonelier and sadder than normal. Teri Hales 1:48 And I remember, as my mom was reaching out and wanting to make plans for Christmas, and wanting me to commit to coming and being part of the family, doing the nativity scenes, and all the church programs, and the things that we would normally do around Christmas, I remember feeling so "other", and feeling like I didn't fit and I didn't belong. And I want to address that before we end this first season of the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. Teri Hales 2:19 As a social species, us humans are wired for connection. (Now a quick note before we keep going: this doesn't mean that we're wired to be extroverts.) This means we're wired to feel like we are seen, that we're heard, that we're understood, that we matter, and that we're cared for. And we're wired to do the same for others. Teri Hales 2:42 We're wired to look out for other people. We're wired to connect emotionally. We literally have neurons inside of our body that mirror other people's emotions to help us be more empathic, and to help us want to reach out and help other humans in distress. Teri Hales 3:00 But, a lot of times, those needs aren't met. We don't feel seen. We don't feel heard. We don't feel completely accepted or understood. Sometimes we're surrounded by people, but we still feel lonely. Brene Brown's family calls this the Lonely Feeling. Her kids, as they were growing up, if they would go to someone's house, they could call and say, "Can you come pick me up? I have the Lonely Feeling." And she understood that this meant, "I'm surrounded by people, but something doesn't feel right here. I don't feel accepted. I feel like I'm having to maybe perform a little bit." Teri Hales 3:39 Robin Williams said, "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone." And I'm just gonna venture out there and say that anyone listening to this podcast knows this Lonely Feeling. Teri Hales 3:56 I remember, when I was first beginning to deconstruct, I had doubts. I was trying to make it work. I wanted to stay at church, but I had some anger and some feelings of betrayal, and I was confused. And I remember wanting to talk about it with people and being told, "It's okay that you have questions, but you need to keep those to yourself." Teri Hales 4:18 That really produced a Lonely Feeling inside of me. I was told that these people cared about me. On a regular basis, I was told that I was loved and I was valued. And yet, not all of me was welcome here. My doubts definitely weren't welcome. Teri Hales 4:34 For years, as we've talked about, there were other parts of me that didn't feel acceptable. The parts of me that were very ambitious and wanted to work outside of the home. The parts of me that were opinionated, the parts of me that were loud, the parts of me that would push back against authority, the parts of me that didn't necessarily like being around children. These parts weren't acceptable. Teri Hales 4:59 And what had happened is I had done so much work on learning to listen to myself and learning to accept myself that when I was told to be silent, I recognized that for what it was. Teri Hales 5:11 I recognized I was being asked to fit in, I was being asked to put aside the parts of me that were not acceptable and to just show the parts that were. And, if I'm being really honest, when I was told to hide my questions, hide my doubts, not speak publicly--I could have them, that was fine, but I couldn't bring them into the group, that wasn't acceptable--it really was the opening of the exit door for me. Teri Hales 5:38 I remember coming home and asking myself, "Am I willing," (and I used these words) "Am I willing to sacrifice my personal integrity on the altar of Mormonism? Am I willing to quiet parts of me that I know to be authentic? Am I willing to shut down all of the hard work I've done in building trust with myself, and listening to my emotions, and becoming healthy, and allowing myself to be vulnerable and authentic? Am I willing to shut that down because I'm afraid I won't fit in this group? Or, is my self worth and my self acceptance more important?" Teri Hales 6:18 And I ended up choosing myself. And it ended up being one of the most profound and amazing experiences that has led to real belonging since then, not just with my husband and with my kids, but with people I'm finding in the community and online. Teri Hales 6:35 The more I'm committed to self acceptance and self love, and the more I believe I am worthy of those things, the more I magnetize people in my life who love and accept themselves and, therefore, can love and accept me. Teri Hales 6:50 Now, fitting in, I believe, is a trauma response. I think most of us learn this in childhood. Perhaps we learned early on, there were things in our family groups that were not acceptable. Maybe we were too loud. Maybe we asked too many questions. Maybe we were too curious, or too sexual, or too something or other, right? All of us received messages that we were too much of something or not enough of another. Teri Hales 7:17 And what we did is, we began to hide those parts of ourselves. This is called masking. As I've been studying about autism for the past decade (my oldest son is on the spectrum), there have been many studies recently done on masking. And masking is something that those who are neurodivergent do in order to fit into a neurotypical society. Teri Hales 7:41 Everything is built--all of our social rules, the way our businesses work, the way school works--it's all built for neurotypical people. And those who are neurodivergent learn at a very young age to camouflage their real self and artificially perform social behavior that's considered more acceptable. And they do this in order to avoid being shamed or bullied, or othered. Teri Hales 8:08 And I think all of us do this at some point or another. Fitting in, or masking, requires you to fit yourself into someone else's definition of "acceptable". This means there's a box that you're supposed to squeeze into. You're supposed to dress a certain way, or talk a certain way, or believe a certain way, think a certain way, be a certain way. Teri Hales 8:32 And, over time, what happens is, when parts of your authentic self don't fit into that box, you squish them down, and hide them, and pretend like they aren't there. And, over time, what happens is you end up dissociating with these parts of yourself and it leads to losing your sense of self. Teri Hales 8:53 What I'm finding is, we don't feel accepted by others or loved by others when only pieces of us are acceptable, and others are not. If you talk to anyone in the LGBTQ community, the whole "Love the sinner, hate the sin" feels like hate. It feels like abuse. It feels like emotional violence. Because what they're actually saying is, "My sexual identity is part of me, and you're saying part of me is not acceptable. And no matter how much you say you love me and you love all the other parts of me, if you don't love my identity, if you don't love my sexual orientation, if you don't love the fact that I'm bringing someone of the same gender home for prom, or that I'm planning to marry someone of the same gender, if you won't accept my boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse at your dinner table at Thanksgiving, how can you say you love and accept me?" Teri Hales 9:53 But I think the same thing is true of self-acceptance and self-love. We can't love ourselves in small pieces. We can't exclude certain parts of ourselves from love and belonging and feel like we have a strong sense of self-worth. We have to be able to accept all of ourselves, all of our feelings, all of our traits. We say, "All of you is welcome here." Teri Hales 10:18 I think I've quoted this a few times before, but the curious paradox is when I accept myself, then I change. Not then I "can" change, we change. In that moment. When we accept ourselves, we are experiencing belonging, because we belong to ourselves. And when we reject parts of ourselves, we can't know ourselves. Teri Hales 10:42 I want you to think about this. I know this is a little convoluted with the language, and I know it can be a little confusing, so let's think about this: I want you to think of someone who professes to love you and accept you. Teri Hales 10:55 Often, this is our parents, but some of us have amazing parents who really do accept us in faith transition, as we're healing trauma. Love those parents! It's so awesome that there are parents like that out there. Teri Hales 11:08 And...I think many of us can relate with having parents that want to love us, that want to accept us, but they are scared witless or maybe embarrassed of our choices. And they're feeling their own shame about what our choices mean for them. Because they don't have their own sense of self-acceptance. And so they pass that on to us, right? So I think a lot of us know what this feels like. When someone is rejecting part of you, or embarrassed of part of you or ashamed of part of you, no matter how much they say they love you, do you feel safe sharing your innermost thoughts and secrets with them? Do you feel safe being vulnerable? Do you feel safe showing up as all of you? Teri Hales 11:55 Now, I teach workshops on reclaiming identity and tapping into our inner wisdom. It's impossible to do that if our inner self feels unsafe sharing our thoughts, and our true feelings, and our true beliefs, and our true values with us. This is where cognitive dissonance comes into play. Teri Hales 12:15 If we don't feel safe with ourselves, if there are parts of us that are reprehensible, or disgusting, or embarrassing to us, if there are parts of us that we're not free to explore and get curious with, those parts will not show themselves to us. And when those parts won't show themselves to us, we numb our ability to see any of the parts. Teri Hales 12:37 Think about when you're with that family member that professes to love you and says you're safe, but there are certain things that are not allowed. Your sexual orientation isn't allowed. Your faith transition isn't allowed. Your neurodivergence isn't allowed. Your career choice as an artist instead of a doctor isn't allowed. Your political ideations are not allowed. Teri Hales 12:59 When there are parts of us that are not allowed, we don't feel safe, the whole of us doesn't feel safe. It's impossible for anyone to really get to know us when we have our armor on, and we're trying to protect ourselves. And we put our armor on when we don't feel safe being vulnerable. Teri Hales 13:18 Brene Brown says that people have to earn the right to hear our vulnerable self. That means they prove that they're safe for us to share all of us by their actions and their words. Teri Hales 13:31 No matter how great their intentions are, if there are parts of us that are not acceptable, then there's some armor there. And I believe that's true of our inner self as well. Teri Hales 13:40 If our inner child or our inner self (whatever you want to call that part of you), if our inner knowing, our inner authority doesn't feel safe to reveal parts of you to yourself, if it knows that you're embarrassed, or you judge, or you're harsh, or you're unaccepting of certain parts of who you authentically are and how you authentically feel and what your experience authentically was, it will not reveal that part to you. Teri Hales 14:08 And, as long as it can't reveal those parts, you're stunted in your knowing. You don't have full access to everything you need to guide and direct your life. In some ways, you're estranged from your inner wisdom and from your inner authority. Teri Hales 14:22 Now, when we're masking, it leads to a couple of other things, aside from just a muddled sense of self. This kind of behavior also leads to burnout. I want you to think about the last time you were with a group of people where you felt like you had to put on a show. Maybe it was at a business luncheon. Maybe it was with an old group of your friends who are still really religious. Maybe it was at the last Thanksgiving dinner. Teri Hales 14:50 But I want you to think about the last time you were with a group of people where you didn't really feel like you fully belonged. What was it like to keep on your mask the entire time? Teri Hales 15:02 What was it like to watch your words, make sure you were dressed appropriately, make sure you didn't say anything offensive, make sure you didn't bring up any controversial topics, make sure you didn't laugh at the wrong jokes, make sure you kept your child perfectly behaved, make sure you interacted with your significant other in a way that was acceptable...was that easy to do? Or was it exhausting? Teri Hales 15:33 I think, for most of us, when we're having to put on a show, it's exhausting. There's a reason that being an actor is a career. It is work! And anytime we're masking, any time we're trying to fit in, any time we can't be our authentic selves, it is work! And we get tired! Teri Hales 15:52 Whenever we're in this place, we might feel a lot of social anxiety, because, "Do I have the energy to go out and put on that show today, after my long day at work, after being with my kids, after cleaning my house after doing everything else that's required in life, after processing, and deconstructing, and dealing with all of the emotions that are coming up with that? Do I have the energy to put on the mask? To take that 20-ton shield (as Brene Brown says) and go out into the world and put on my public face?" Teri Hales 16:24 A lot of social anxiety comes from having to pick up and carry this heavy mask and put on this act, everywhere we go, so that we're acceptable. Teri Hales 16:35 Fitting in is also highly associated with depression. Because I want you to think about this for a minute: when we treat certain parts of ourselves as unacceptable and we try to hide them, we're reinforcing the message to our inner self that we are not enough. "We're not acceptable. No one's gonna like us the way we are. We can't even like us the way we are." And, after a while, those not-enough messages accumulate, and we begin to feel like we're not worthy. We're not worthy of love and belonging. Teri Hales 17:06 And that message may be reinforced because we're in these groups where we are trying to fit in, and there's lots of evidence that I don't fit here: "Maybe there's something wrong with me. Everyone else seems like they're doing okay. Maybe I'm just not worthy of love and belonging." Teri Hales 17:23 And this can reinforce enough inside of us that we begin to feel depression. This is exactly what happened to me. For the decade before I was diagnosed with clinical depression, I had been masking since my teenage years (probably longer than that, but really noticeable in my teenage years). Certain parts were acceptable, certain parts weren't. Teri Hales 17:44 I was the happy, bubbly overachiever that was friends with everyone. And I am still authentically that way in a lot of ways, but I also give myself permission to have bad days. Permission to do things wrong. Permission to not like certain people. Permission to comfort myself when other people don't like me. Permission to say no to things that don't interest me. Permission to get to a certain place with a project and realize, actually, this isn't serving me anymore, I don't have to keep doing this. Teri Hales 18:17 Happy-bubbly-overachiever me, as a teenager, wanted everyone to like me. But the person I am now wants me to like myself. It's about doing what feels good to me, and what supports and nurtures and uplifts me. And if it quits doing that, I get to release it. Teri Hales 18:36 And if I'm not having a good day, I don't have to put on the happy face, forcing myself to fit a role. Even though it's probably started off as an authentic role, because it's authentically who I am now, most of the time, forcing myself to be in that role all the time to be "on-brand", if you will, as the high school version of me definitely took its toll. Teri Hales 18:58 Eventually, it led to dissociation. And it led to me not knowing who I authentically was. I associated much more with the mask than I associated with my real self. And, finally, my real self said, "E-NOUGH. You can't do this anymore. We are exhausted from this act. We are tired of trying to make these people like us! We are tired of putting on the show." Teri Hales 19:24 I was enraged--at myself!--for discarding who I authentically was, trying to buy love and acceptance from other people. I was exhausted and I was clinically depressed. Because, when we feel like we're in a catch-22 of, "I need other people to love and accept me because I don't know who I am and I don't know how to love and accept myself," it feels pretty hopeless. And that's how it felt for me. It felt like rage and it felt like hopelessness. Teri Hales 19:59 Rage I had betrayed myself for so long. Hopelessness because I didn't know how to claw out of that hole. The cool thing was, the answer was in learning to love and accept myself. The answer was in learning to belong to me. Teri Hales 20:14 And it took a while. After decades of rejecting myself, after decades of denying certain parts of myself, after decades of shaming and judging the parts of me that didn't fit, as I learned to embrace and accept all of me, and I felt safe with myself, my depression, at least, slowly slipped away. Teri Hales 20:35 (I'm not saying that will cure all depression, but it can certainly help to choose to belong to ourselves first, and go a long way towards helping us feel empowered and at peace.) Teri Hales 20:47 We crave belonging, all of us crave acceptance. We might not crave lots of social time, but we do crave being valued for who we are, being understood, and being loved. And the crazy thing is Brene Brown in her book, "Braving the Wilderness", which I read right after leaving the Mormon Church, I think it was probably two months after leaving, and it was so encouraging and so beautiful, and so much of what I needed to hear, and I threw the book across the room at least a couple of times. Teri Hales 21:19 There were things she said in there that I didn't want to hear. And we'll talk about those in another podcast sometime. But if you haven't read that book, and you're in the middle of deconstruction, I highly recommend it. She talks about this idea of belonging in such depth and detail. Teri Hales 21:36 But one of the things that she said that really stood out to me is that the greatest barrier to belonging is fitting in. Now, why? Why is fitting in the greatest barrier to belonging? What are we doing when we fit in? When we fit in, we are offering ourselves up to a group of people or to a person, and we're saying, "Love me, accept me, value me. I will do whatever I need to do to make you like me. I will do whatever I have to do to make you accept me. I'll put on a mask, I'll pretend to be someone different, I'll become like you." Teri Hales 22:14 And what happens is, we lose that sense of self. And, it turns out, the most powerful thing we can do to truly belong is to have a strong sense of self. We have to know who we are, what we value, what we like and dislike, and what we want. Teri Hales 22:34 They found from the research that the people who enjoy the greatest sense of belonging are also willing to stand alone when they disagree with something or see something differently. In order to do that, in order to retain a sense of self when we're in a group, we have to know who our self is going into the group. Teri Hales 22:55 And we have to have a commitment to that sense of self of, "You are mine. You belong to me. I will accept you, no matter what. I will choose you, no matter what. All of you is welcome here. And I will not do anything that betrays you. I will not discard parts of you. I will not shame parts of you. I will work to understand you, and to love you, and to work with you. My relationship with you is paramount." Teri Hales 23:29 When we come to groups from that perspective, with a healthy, defined sense of self, when we can say to ourselves, "I belong, no matter where I go, because I belong to me," when we can say to ourselves what Lilian Motta, the co-founder of Evolve Holistic, said to herself as a teen, she said, "I belong, no matter where I go, even if it's only in this tiny space I'm occupying right now." When you belong to you, no matter where you are, you belong. Even if it's in the tiny space that you're occupying, even if it's just where you're standing. In a crowded room of people, you belong, because you belong to you. Teri Hales 24:15 Brene Brown says, "Your belonging begins with self-acceptance." In fact, your level of belonging can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable, and imperfect. Teri Hales 24:33 When we don't have that we shapeshift and we turn into chameleons. We hustle for the worthiness we already possess. Who here--raise your hand if you have ever become a chameleon when you're with a family member, or in a group, or at school, or with friends. Teri Hales 24:50 When we don't have self-acceptance--that means all of me is welcome, the good, bad, and the ugly. It's all here for a purpose. It's all here to be understood, and to inform me, and to help me navigate life. Teri Hales 25:06 Yes, even your anger. Yes, even your jealousy. Yes, even all the traumatic experiences you've gone through and how you handled them. All of those parts of you inform your life now. They're all welcome. Your wounded child is welcome. Your uncertain current self is welcome. Your fear is welcome, your anger is welcome, your jealousy's welcome, your sadness, your grief...it is all welcome here. Teri Hales 25:32 And, when it is all welcome here, when your inner self feels safe to be fully seen and heard, your inner self can guide you, can build a relationship with you. It can get intimate with you. It can give you wisdom and understanding about what you want, and what you believe, and where you want to go, and what your purpose is. But it has to feel safe first. Teri Hales 25:56 And, when you have that relationship with yourself, when you take up for yourself the way he would take up for one of your children, or for a lover, or for a best friend, when you come to your relationship with yourself with that kind of commitment, you belong everywhere you go. Because you have your back no matter what. Teri Hales 26:17 And no matter who rejects you, no matter who doesn't understand you, no matter who can't wrap their head around who you are, you have your back. You belong to you, and you won't betray yourself. Teri Hales 26:32 The interesting thing is, you may betray yourself. I have a few times since working on this self-belonging. But you'll feel it. When you have really rooted into belonging, and you go and you try to fit in again, it will feel repulsive to you. You'll feel it like a gut punch inside of your body. And when you welcome that, too, it'll tell you what you need to do. It'll tell you how you need to change things so you can go back to being authentic to yourself. It'll tell you what apologies you might need to make, to yourself or to others. It'll tell you what boundaries you need to draw. Teri Hales 27:12 You guys know, last week, I told you about getting overwhelmed. Did you know some of that overwhelm came from fitting in? Some of that overwhelm came from trying to impress others that I didn't know, taking on too much, caring about what my son's teachers thought of me as a mother. And it felt gross. And it felt stressful. And it felt overwhelming. Teri Hales 27:36 And then, I reminded myself: "I belong to me first. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I know me. And I like me. And I'm here for my growth. And I'm here for my mistakes. And I'm here for anything that comes and I will not reject myself." Teri Hales 27:54 And, when I breathed into that, suddenly, it didn't matter so much if my son's teachers thought I was a good parent or not. Suddenly, it didn't matter so much whether the band families thought I was doing enough, I did what I wanted to do and what I could do, and I didn't need to overperform. I could do my part. And that was it. Teri Hales 28:17 And it didn't even matter what you all think of me. I could show up in the ways that felt good to my inner self without worrying about being rejected by you all, my listeners, and the people that I serve and I help. Teri Hales 28:31 When we betray ourselves, when we try to fit in, when we start worrying about that validation of others, once we've really belonged to ourselves and we felt what that feels like, whenever we betray that, whenever we go against that knowing or we fall into old patterns, we will feel it. Teri Hales 28:48 And, if we can accept that, too, if we can accept that we go back to old patterns when we feel uncertain, when we're in new territory, when we feel afraid, when we're growing--this is a sign that I'm growing! The fact that I got overwhelmed again, the fact that I sometimes fall back into people-pleasing, perfecting, and overachieving again, that is a sign that I'm growing again. Teri Hales 29:14 It means that I am expanding into uncertain territories because, remember, I told you at the very beginning of the season, when I'm doing something new, when I feel afraid or uncertain, I resort back to patterns I created when I was a child. I please, I perform, and I perfect. And, when I do those three things, I feel sad, and I feel overwhelmed, and I feel stressed out. Teri Hales 29:39 I felt sad, and overwhelmed, and stressed out and I recognized it. Those were the emotions, those were the physical responses coming up inside of me. And I paid attention. And then I got curious. Teri Hales 29:51 And, the more I've sat with myself and cared for myself, the more my inner self has said, "You started worrying more about what the band parents thought than what you thought. You started worrying more about what your son's teachers thought than what you thought of your son and yourself. You started worrying more about the needs (and the validation) that comes from the people you serve, instead of your own needs and your own validation." Teri Hales 30:18 It has been such an illuminating experience to recognize, "Oh, I just betrayed this. And it's time to reel it back in. And it's time to learn and grow again. It's time to reinforce these lessons I've learned over and over and over again over the past decade." Teri Hales 30:38 The cool thing is, when we go back to these old patterns, it's not like we're starting from square one. I didn't have to relearn 10 years' worth of lessons. Once I recognized it, I had a toolbox full of ways to help myself. And you do, too. Teri Hales 30:55 Every single day, you're building your toolbox. Every single day, you're giving yourself ways that you can help yourself when you get back into old patterns that aren't serving you. Teri Hales 31:07 If you find yourself fitting in after you've already belonged to yourself, you can say, "Oh, that's right. Self-acceptance. I need to listen to and accept myself. Let me create a safe space. Let me get curious. Let me create a space without judgment and listen to what's going on. Let me apologize to myself, if I need to. Let me do whatever I need to make it right, so that I belong to me and that myself feel safe with me." Teri Hales 31:33 Another thing that comes up, is I often see people in my practice that say, "Well, my family doesn't see this the same way that I do," or, "My friend is still a believer, do I just cut them out of my life?" Teri Hales 31:46 I think in today's world, we've created so many ideological bunkers, as Brene brown calls them, where we feel like belonging is sameness: "If you're not a Republican, we can't be friends." Or, "If you're not a Democrat, we can't be friends." Or, "If you're not a libertarian, we can't be friends." Teri Hales 32:05 "If you don't do things the way I do, or believe the way I do, or speak the way I do, or engage in spirituality the way I do, or understand God the way I do, or parent the way I do, or are in the same kind of relationship I am, we can't be friends." Teri Hales 32:22 I actually think we do ourselves a huge disservice. Brene Brown says that when we divide ourselves into these ideological bunkers, she said, "You would think that we would feel more belonging, that we would feel like we fit in more, but actually, we feel more alone." Why? Because, in these ideological bunkers, there are rules of what's okay and what's not okay, and we can't reach across the aisle, we can't think outside of the box. Teri Hales 32:48 It feels unsafe to be anything except for what's inside the box. It is one of the most glaring examples to me today of how we've taken fitting in to the extreme. Now, it's not just what clothes you wear, and how you speak, it's who you voted for and what issues you're for or against, and how you understand how the world works. And we've pitted ourselves against each other to the point where it's not okay to speak up or be different. Teri Hales 33:17 We expect the people in these ideological bunkers to be homogenous. And we often see people act in homogenous ways: hate all the same people, vote all in the same way, repeat the same rhetoric. This happens in churches, it happens in schools, it happens in corporations, it happens in families. Teri Hales 33:39 Ideological bunkers keep us from connecting to one another. It keeps us from having a full understanding of the world, when we're only surrounded by people who are the same. Teri Hales 33:51 And, I would even say, if we look around, and everyone feels the same as us in our friend group, if there's no one that's different, if there's a relationship or a community where everyone appears the same--even if it's a marriage!--if you never disagree, if you never argue or fight, if you don't believe in different things, or have different tastes in music or different tastes in clothing, or food, or any of those things...I would argue that we're in a place of fitting in; we're not in a place of belonging. Because someone is having to give up their identity. Someone is having to suppress parts of themselves and put on a mask in order to fit. Teri Hales 34:32 There are no two people that are just like one another. There is no one else like you on this entire planet. There never has been anyone exactly like you. There never will be anyone exactly like you. That is why you are such a miracle. But, because you are that miracle, you will never fully fit with anyone else. If you're ever in a relationship or community where everyone feels exactly the same someone--or all the someones--are suppressing parts of themselves. Teri Hales 35:06 When we retain our individual identity, when we belong to ourselves, there will be places where you and I can collaborate, where we see eye-to-eye, and there will be differences, and it is beautiful. Teri Hales 35:19 Some of my closest most trusted friends practice spirituality in ways that would not fit for me. Some of them are witches. Others are very devout Christians. Some of them are activists in political movements I don't understand. Some of them parent their children in ways that would not work for my family. Teri Hales 35:44 And the thing that makes us all close, however, and the reason they're so trusted, is they have a very strong sense of self-acceptance. This is what I find so interesting, is when I know who I am, and I accept myself, I can allow you to be you. No matter how different you are from me. I can get curious about your ideas because I'm not worried about becoming you! Teri Hales 36:13 Remember? When we don't have a strong sense of self-acceptance, we can become chameleons. We adapt to be acceptable to whoever we're around. But, when I have a strong sense of self-acceptance, I can now hear you. I can entertain your ideas, I can listen to your viewpoint, because I'm not afraid of becoming you. I still get to remain me. I can compare your viewpoint with mine. And I'm allowed to accept that your reality is your reality. I'm allowed to have compassion and empathy. I'm allowed to let your reality inform my own without your reality having to become my reality. Teri Hales 36:56 I believe what we need is more belonging in our world. Most of my clients talk about the deep heartbreak of feeling like they don't belong in their families. The deep heartbreak and loneliness of feeling like they don't belong in their communities. The deep heartbreak of feeling like they don't belong in our society. Teri Hales 37:17 And I think this is the answer: when we can accept ourselves and belong to ourselves, then we can reach out and accept others. And we magnetize to us people who, no matter how different their life experience is, their choices are, their relationships, their religion, or their sense of spirituality (or no spirituality), we can connect, because I retain my sense of self. And you retain your sense of self. And we meet one another as individuals and neither of us tries to swallow the other one up. We get to meet and collaborate and exchange ideas. And we don't have to worry about getting enmeshed. Teri Hales 38:03 I'd love to hear your ideas on this. What are your experiences? Please, please share them with me in the Facebook group. Please share them with me in my messages on social media. Email me, if you'd like. All of that information is in the show notes. Teri Hales 38:20 You can come to the Emancipate Yourself group on Facebook. Email me at Teri@EmancipatedCoaching.com. Message me on my Instagram account, @EmancipatedMolly, or my Twitter account, @EmancipatedTeri. Teri Hales 38:32 Tell me what you think, what has your experience been? Inform me. Help me understand you. If this brought up triggers for you, or it felt confusing for you, I want to hear about that as well. Tell me about your experiences, emotionally, what thoughts went through your head? What resistance did you feel? All of that is welcome here. You are welcome here. I am welcome here. All of us are welcome here as we learn and grow together. Teri Hales 39:01 Because that's what we're trying to create: communities of belonging, communities, where everyone gets to be an individual; everyone gets to be completely, beautifully, miraculously unique. And we come together to inform, and to learn with, and to grow with, and alongside one another. Teri Hales 39:22 Thank you so much for being in my life and for all the ways you inform my perspective, the stories that you share, the ways you expand my understanding of the world and of people and of religious trauma. Thank you for all the ways you allow me to be fully human, for the ways you allow me to be vulnerable. Teri Hales 39:43 This podcast, I hope, is healing for you. I hear from many of you that it is. But I want you to know it's just as healing for me. Studying these things, getting curious with myself, has become a practice of self-acceptance every single week, and I hope that it has been for you, too. I look forward to hearing from you and hearing what you think about this podcast and we'll talk again next week.