Teri Hales 0:15 Welcome to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. I'm your host, certified religious transition and trauma recovery coach, Teri Hales. I help people step out of the shadows of religious fear and shame and embrace their authentic selves with love and empathy. If you're ready to throw off the shackles of learned binary thinking and explore a more nuanced approach to life, this is your playground. Teri Hales 0:52 Hello, my friends. Welcome back to the Emancipate Your Mind podcast. This week, we're going to do something a little bit different. This podcast episode is coming from everything I've done, to take care of myself and to move through some of the difficulties I've had in my life in August and September. Teri Hales 1:15 Usually, when I'm talking about things on the podcast, they are things that happened months ag., I worked through them, the feelings aren't quite so tender, and I'm able to tell you—pretty pragmatically—about what happened, but this is still a little bit raw. Because I don't know if I'm going to have this resolved before the end of season one. And season one is going to be ending at the end of this month. Teri Hales 1:42 So we have a couple of podcast episodes left together in 2021. And it has been one of the joys of my life this year to get to put together this podcast I have gotten to connect with so many of you and hear your stories, hear how my stories have helped validate your stories and helped you feel less alone and help you feel seen and heard. And that means the world to me. Teri Hales 2:11 Being able to do this podcast has meant the world to me this year. And I'm really looking forward to season two. But, if I'm being really honest, I'm also really looking forward to a couple of months of break in November and December, because the past few months have been incredibly, personally, overwhelming for me. And I wasn't expecting them to be overwhelming. Teri Hales 2:36 You see, usually, whenever I'm taking on work, I look at my ability to do the work well. I ask myself if it's something that I want to do. I ask myself if it fits with my vision and purpose for myself, for my family, and for what I want to put out into the world. And, if all of those are a resounding yes, then I sign up for it. Teri Hales 2:58 Unfortunately, even when we have the very best of plans, even when we're really clear with our intentions, even when we are really clear about what we can offer, sometimes there are unexpected factors that come into play. And they can leave us feeling overwhelmed. Teri Hales 3:18 And that's been me for the past couple of months. My son, my oldest son, entered high school this year, at the beginning of August. And he is on the spectrum. He has high-functioning autism. And he is such a delight to get to parent. And we have such difficulty with school. Teri Hales 3:43 All the way up until this point, I knew that going to a new school and starting a new school year, it was going to be a bit of a struggle as we went through the transition periods. Transitions are typically really hard for him. And this year, I expected that we would be transitioning throughout August. And I really decided not to do anything new or different in August and I planned everything that I was going to do—including the app, the beta group for my app, we started that in September. And September ended up being a month that just about crushed me. Teri Hales 4:21 It's really vulnerable to share this with you all, but I want you to know that I'm on this path with you. I'm learning with you. I don't have everything all figured out. And I want you to feel less alone. As I share this, I want you to know that even the people who are coming up with tools, even the people who are doing the work...we're human just like you, and we're learning just like you. And there are times where we get hit with curveballs and we have to take our own advice and we have to work through things and I'm still in that place. Teri Hales 5:00 But like I said, we only have a few episodes left, until the end of the season and I want to make sure that, as we head into the holiday season, that you have these tools available. And so—raw and vulnerable—I'm coming to you today. And hopefully we can connect and work through overwhelm together. Teri Hales 5:21 I remember when I was first going through religious transition, everything felt so overwhelming. Because it felt like every single day, I was learning something new about my religion, and I was learning something I didn't know before. I just felt like, there was so much coming at me all at once, that my nervous system was overloaded. And I often felt overwhelmed, especially that first few months after leaving the Mormon Church. Teri Hales 5:49 And what happened in September is nothing like what happened then. But it echoes what happened then. And it has been a tough month and it just made me think, you know what, I really want to talk about overwhelm. And I really want to talk about why we get overwhelmed and what we can do to help ourselves move through it, and to support ourselves and love ourselves and nurture ourselves when we're in a place of overwhelm. Teri Hales 6:15 So what is overwhelm? Overwhelm, basically, to me, is when the intensity of your emotions outmatches your ability to manage them. Teri Hales 6:25 So, for instance, in my situation, if I was JUST creating a beta group, and just running a beta group—which is what I thought I would be doing, righ?—just having a beta group, and my kids would all be settled in school, I could handle that stressor. Teri Hales 6:40 If I JUST had a son, that was really trying to navigate high school, while having a neurodiverse way of managing new stuff, new teachers, new names, new ways of doing things, a new schedule that changes every day...I think I would have been able to handle that. Teri Hales 7:00 If I had JUST had difficulties getting my app published—which, by the way, the Emancipate Yourself app is published now. But, if you're thinking about purchasing it, please wait a few weeks, wait until the end of October, because I am working on all of the edits that my beta group has given me. And those are going to go live by the end of this month. So give me a few weeks to take all of this great inpu, that's going to make this app so much more user-friendly. And it's going to have all of those extra edits and extra lessons and courses and tools that are going to make this even that much more spectacular. Teri Hales 7:40 But I think if I had just been wrestling with Apple, even, to get my app published, I would have been able to handle that. But it just felt like everything happened all at once. And I didn't feel like I could handle it all, all at once. Everything felt like it was coming at me so quickly. And I just didn't feel like I had the tools to handle all the stressors at once. Teri Hales 8:08 And overwhelm can be caused by different things. Sometimes it's caused by stress (like mine was), but sometimes it's caused by traumatic life experiences, like whenever we go through religious deconstruction. Or something really big and traumatic happens, like the loss of a family member, or the loss of a job. And sometimes it's relationship issues, right? When things are not okay between us and our parents, or us in our spouses, or us in our kids, it can leave us feeling a lot of feelings that we might not feel equipped to handle. Teri Hales 8:42 And there's usually multiple stressors involved. I know, whenever I was going through religious transition, it wasn't just that I was finding out things about my faith that I never knew before. Teri Hales 8:55 It wasn't just leaving the Church, it was also the stress with my family. It was also working on my own personal shame and fear. It was the uncertainty of what was going to happen between me and my husband. It was the uncertainty of what kind of mother I was going to be to my kids. There was the stress of realizing my business and my husband's business both had a large LDS customer base, and we weren't sure financially, how leaving the church was going to impact us. Teri Hales 9:27 There was a lot of stress. And so there was a lot of overwhelm. And it was really difficult to pinpoint, "This is the thing that overwhelmed me," or, "That is the thing," it was all the little things that kind of added up together. Teri Hales 9:41 And that's what happened for me this past month as well. It was little things that added up until it got to the point where I broke down. [chuckle] And I broke down a few times, you guys. Not just once. I didn't just have one graceful, beautiful, lovely cry of a breakdown. We're talking, I broke down lot for a couple of weeks in the middle of September. And you can tell when you're overwhelmed, because a few pretty common indicators happen. (And I think all of these happened to me.) Teri Hales 10:14 First, you have disproportionately big reactions to seemingly insignificant situations. You have a lot of last-straw moments. So, for instance, there was a slight schedule change in the middle of September to my older son's competition band schedule. Teri Hales 10:31 And, as I read the email, I broke down, sobbing, because he was now going to have to report two hours earlier. And I was reading this email at...a little after midnight. And, as I realized the impact of, "I need sleep, and I have to wake up, again, in five and a half hours", it was like I couldn't take it. And I just was sobbing, I was already tired. And I knew I was still going to be tired the next day, and it just felt like there was never going to be a time to catch up. And so I just cried and cried and cried. Teri Hales 11:06 And I had a wonderful husband that came and gave me a hug, and reminded me that he would be home the next morning, and he could take my son to the competition. And I just wasn't able to problem-solve because, when we're so overwhelmed, it's like we can't problem-solve as well as we could have if we weren't overwhelmed. Our processing system is so overtaxed by all of the emotions and the exhaustion and the stress that we don't problem-solve as well as we might normally. Teri Hales 11:39 So little, small stressors feel like big deals. Luckily, my husband was able to say, "Hey. You obviously are tired, you obviously are overwhelmed. Like, once you cry, go do what you need to do to take care of yourself and sleep as long as you need to tomorrow morning. I will take care of our children. I will get Wes to his appointmen., I will make sure that our younger son has whatever he needs for the day." He was like, "You take care of you." Teri Hales 12:10 So that was really helpful. And things got better for a few days after getting some rest and having some time to calm my nervous system. But, as curveballs kept coming—and I know you know what this is like; religious transition is like this—there's new things that keep coming, unexpected things that keep coming, into your realm of existence, and it just makes it where you break down again. Teri Hales 12:32 So, if you keep having last-straw moments, if you're freaking out when you can't find your keys, and it feels like the end of the world, or if small schedule changes, or [chuckle] when someone asks you a small question that you could just say, "No thank you" to, you feel like the whole world is on your shoulders, you're likely overwhelmed. This is a really great indicator that you're overwhelmed. Teri Hales 12:56 So another great indicator that you are feeling overwhelmed is when you feel physically ill or fatigued without knowing why. And I know you know what this is like. It's when you have a to-do list and you wake up already feeling exhausted. And you can't seem to make yourself get much—if anything—done. Teri Hales 13:20 You feel like you're moving through Jello. And it's just so hard to do anything and you feel so tired and so exhausted. And, if you're a coffee drinker, you're gulping down the coffee, trying to get enough energy to do anything. Or where you find yourself falling asleep in those tiny small pauses between things. Teri Hales 13:42 There were a few times this past month where I was waiting for my older son to come out of school, and I was parked in the parking lot. And I would put it in park and just close my eyes for a minute, and, the next thing I knew, he's banging on the door. I had passed out in the driver's seat. There have been times in the past when I've been overwhelmed where you just have an upset stomach, you just feel queasy, or like you have a rock in your tummy. That can be a sign of overwhelm as well. Teri Hales 14:11 Another sign of overwhelm is that you have trouble focusing or completing even simple tasks. Like I said earlier, it was so hard to problem-solve a simple problem. We had a schedule change. My son needed to come in two hours early. I couldn't problem-solve that it was Saturday, that my husband would be home, and that he could take my older son up to the school so he could go to competition, that I didn't have to be the person that did that. I was just in survival mode and I couldn't problem-solve. Teri Hales 14:43 And, because when we're overwhelmed, we can't find creative solutions, it also makes it really difficult for us to complete tasks and for us to focus. Our attention is scattered between so many different stressors, it's hard to focus and get things done Teri Hales 14:59 Another indicator that you are in overwhelm is when you find yourself withdrawing from friends and family. Your nervous system is already so much at capacity that it's like we instinctively stay away from friends and family so that we don't have to take in more. We have a tendency to kind of hermit ourselves away in order to protect our nervous system, but it also harms us as well. Teri Hales 15:24 Because, often, it's in our connections with people that we find solutions to our issues, we find people who are willing to help us, we're able to share the emotional burden, we're able to problem solve, we're able to find help to carry out the tasks so that we can then get the rest and the quiet that we need. Teri Hales 15:43 But one of the things I find, when I'm in survival mode or an overwhelm, is I can hermit myself away from other people in an attempt to just use my time and get everything done and try to figure things out. But it also cuts me off from some of the resources that might make it easier for me. Teri Hales 16:04 Another indicator that you might be in overwhelm, is when your emotions color your perception of the world. So, for instance, if you're feeling intense grief, that grief may have you feeling sad, even when what you're doing is fun, or pleasant or joyful. Teri Hales 16:22 And so, if you find yourself in situations that you would typically love, like, for instance, for me at dance class, I found myself feeling almost irritated at dance class because I was there at dance and it felt like one more thing I needed to do, which dance almost never feels that way for me. Teri Hales 16:39 Dance feels like something I get to do, it's something I look forward to I see all my friends there, I get to move my body, I feel so good. But it felt like an obligation this past month, one more thing on my schedule, one more thing on my checklist. And that stress and irritation sort of colored everything I did in the month of September. Teri Hales 17:00 And so, if you find that things that normally bring you joy, or would normally fill you up, are sort of colored with frustration or with stress or with grief or with sadness, you may be in overwhelm. Your emotions may be spilling over into everything else. Teri Hales 17:20 So, one of the things I find really helpful, whenever we are talking about overwhelm, is understanding why we get overwhelmed. This was actually really helpful for me back when I was first deconstructing, but I went back to my notes this past month in order to really work through what was going on, remind myself of fundamentals, and really take care of myself. Teri Hales 17:43 And that's why I felt like it was so important to talk about this today as friends, because I know we all either are going through this currently, or we have gone through it in the past. And, because we're human, and because life happens, and it's sometimes unexpected, we will probably go through this again in the future. So it's important to remind ourselves of these tools over and over and over again. Teri Hales 18:06 If you've gone through this once, it's not like we heal overwhelm and then it never, ever comes back again. We learn and we grow in spirals, which means we learn these tools, and we heal what is happening in our life at the moment. But, as we continue to grow and expand and become healthier and healthier, we're given more and more opportunities to heal deeper levels of these things in our life. Teri Hales 18:32 So it's important to review what we know about overwhelm and how we can hold and comfort ourselves, and how we can move through it, because we're given this opportunity right now to deal with it, but it's going to come back in different parts of our life. And we're going to get to learn different levels of dealing with overwhelm, which is just going to free us more and more and allow us to live expansive, joyful lives. Teri Hales 18:58 Okay, why we're feeling overwhelmed. Let's dig into this. The first one is that we're often setting unrealistic expectations of ourselves. This often means we have way too many things on our plate. This might come from a tendency to people-please, to want everyone to like us, and to say yes to everything instead of saying yes only to the things that really light us up. Teri Hales 19:24 So, when we overextend ourselves by saying yes to every person and every opportunity that comes around, we're on a one-way track to overwhelm. So, if you find yourself overwhelmed, ask yourself, "Am I people-pleasing? Am I saying yes to too much?" Teri Hales 19:40 Or this can sometimes happen whenever our circumstances change in an unforeseen way. This is what happened for me this past month. I thought, when we entered September, that my son would have had three to four weeks to really figure out his schedule, how to navigate new teachers, new expectations, new workload, all of that. I thought that we would have that down—and pretty well understood—by the beginning of September. Teri Hales 20:11 But that isn't what happened. In fact, here we are at the beginning of October, and he and I have sat together almost every night for the past two months, trying on new solutions to the issues that are popping up for him in high school. Teri Hales 20:26 We've brainstormed. We've tried new methods. We've evaluated whether the methods are working or not. We have kept what is working and thrown out what isn't, but there are still a lot of things that are not working well. And we're not sure what to do. We're still trying things on, we don't know what's going to work. There's a lot of uncertainty. Teri Hales 20:49 But I thought that we would have it figured out by now, because we have—in every school year before—figured things out within the first couple of weeks. And so our circumstances changed. The things that I had scheduled for myself, the way I thought that September was going to go, is not the way it ended up going. There ended up being a huge workload added to my plate, because my son needed help. Teri Hales 21:18 And one of my values is being there for my kids, and helping them get that foundation they need to be successful adults. In this instance, it meant that I needed to be there for him after school to help tutor him, to help him understand his schoolwork, to help him find solutions to how he could get his questions answered, how he could figure out when things were due, how to figure out where to turn things in. I mean, just so many different things that I wasn't foreseeing whenever I set my September schedule. Teri Hales 21:52 And so I had unrealistic expectations of myself for most of the month of September. I thought I needed to do all of the things that I had set up for myself for September, and tutor my son for 20 to 30 hours every week, on top of my normal workload, AND also be there for my younger son, so that he didn't feel left out, and he didn't feel forgotten, that I needed to spend special time with him. Teri Hales 22:24 This often meant that I threw out my personal care time. It meant that I throughout my working out, it meant that I threw out quiet time to listen to myself, it meant that I throughout my time in nature, it meant that I throughout my time with meditation, my time to dance, my time to freely create, my time to read and study, my alone time, and a lot of my sleep time. Teri Hales 22:51 I threw my needs out the door in order to meet expectations that were unrealistic in order to meet a full-time expectation with my work and, now, an additional full-time expectation as my son's tutor and advocate. Teri Hales 23:10 So if you find yourself in overwhelm, ask yourself, "Do I have unrealistic expectations of myself right now? Am I either saying yes to too much, or did circumstances change and I'm still expecting myself to meet the deadlines and the expectations I had for myself before these unexpected circumstances happened?" Really get curious with yourself. Teri Hales 23:36 The good news, when we've over-scheduled ourselves, is that we can always un-over-schedule ourselves. It can be a little bit embarrassing to tell people, "You know what? Actually, I've really looked at my schedule and, after all, I can't do that," but it's so worth it for our mental health. We are always allowed to change our mind, to reevaluate, and to take things off of our plate. Teri Hales 24:01 I also want to throw in that it's also important, as we're deconstructing, not to try to change too many things all at once, okay? I find that overwhelm can happen a lot whenever we're like, "I'm going to heal all the things all at once!" and we're trying to engage in too much work all at the same time. Teri Hales 24:20 If we're trying to heal too many wounds all at once, sometimes we can get overwhelmed. It's too much to take on. So give yourself permission to take it a little bit at a time, whether it's activities that you're doing, or projects that you're trying to create, problems you're trying to solve, or wounds you're trying to heal. Give yourself space and time to take it at a pace that feels good for you and doesn't overload your nervous system. Teri Hales 24:48 The second reason we often get overwhelmed is because we're constantly bombarded with noise and notifications. I find that—when I haven't made the time to sit with myself and process my thoughts and emotions, and move through things, and make sure I'm resolving and understanding what my inner self needs and is trying to tell me—it all starts to build up. Teri Hales 25:15 When we don't take time to process things, we start getting emotional clutter inside of our bodies. And, when we finally get to the clutter—especially if we go a long time without checking in—when we finally get to the clutter, it can feel really overwhelming, and it can feel like we don't have the tools or the ability to work through everything that's there. Teri Hales 25:38 I know, in the past, I've talked about how, when we're first dropping into our body, some of my clients have described getting into our body after years of not dealing with difficult emotions, that it can feel like a hoarder's house? That can happen again to us, if we start checking out and getting overwhelmed: things can start to clutter and build up. Teri Hales 25:59 So it's so important that we have quiet time and space to check in with ourselves and really hear our inner knowing. And you can do this in a lot of different ways you can meditate every morning. So you can spend even just a couple of minutes checking in with yourself to hear, what am I feeling? What needs my attention inside of myself? What do I want to do? What don't I want to do? Just really get curious about what your inner knowing wants you to know. and then figure out what you want to do with that information. Teri Hales 26:37 You can also do this during mundane chores, like driving or cooking. You can even do it during exercising. Like, if you really feel like you're busy, use those quiet moments to check in and body-scan and allow yourself to really get in touch with what do I feel? Where is that feeling stored? What is it trying to tell me? What does my inner knowing want me to know? What needs to happen? What needs to change? What needs to be accepted? What needs to be loved on? Teri Hales 27:11 Really allow yourself to listen. If you're constantly surrounded by noise, and you're go-go-going or doing the workaholic thing, it can be really hard to check in. Teri Hales 27:22 When it comes to notifications, I also want to say: turn off your notifications. If you're in overwhelm, turn 'em off. You're not going to miss anything important. You're still going to check your Instagram, you're still going to check your email, you're still going to be able to do that. You don't have to take care of things right as they happen. You're allowed to set boundaries with your phone, you're allowed to set boundaries with your email, with your social media. Teri Hales 27:51 My phone goes on Do Not Disturb. I only have a couple of people that can reach me when my phone is on Do Not Disturb. My phone doesn't ding, it doesn't beep, it doesn't do any of those things throughout the day, so that I can have that extra space for my nervous system. Teri Hales 28:07 And only my kids and my husband can get through to me when my phone is on Do Not Disturb. And my phone is on Do Not Disturb most of the time. I don't want to have to process those extra alerts with the energy of my nervous system. I want to be able to be intentional about when I look at my phone, check the things that I need to check, and then put it back away so that I can be present with myself. Teri Hales 28:31 When it comes to this, as well, I find it's also so helpful to ask myself, "What is important?" Sometimes it can be really tempting to think that everything is important, that that email I just got from the PTA is important and I need to answer that right now. And I also need to go get that cookie mix. And, oh my gosh, that's right! I said I would do that. And I said I do would do that. This person has a question, I need to answer that. This person needs my time. Teri Hales 29:00 And, when we have those loose boundaries with others, when we feel like everything is important, and we are at the mercy of the things that need to be done, it can feel really overwhelming. And it can feel like we're not in control of our lives. So just reminding ourselves that not everything is important. And that we're allowed to choose the most important thing and just focus on that right now. Teri Hales 29:26 I find that, whenever there's a lot of noise, there's a lot of stress, there's a lot of notifications, if I just ask myself, "What is important, right now, in the present?" and I allow my inner knowing to bubble up that one thing, the most important thing that needs to happen, right now, in this moment, and I let everything else in this present moment go and just focus on this thing. Teri Hales 29:54 I find that, when I'm trying to multitask, that's when I start getting really overwhelmed and crazy. Sometimes multitasking is no big deal, but when we're in overwhelm, having one thing to do, and only worrying about the present moment, can really help with anxiety and overwhelm. Teri Hales 30:15 Remind yourself, "In this present moment, I'm safe. And I only have to focus on the most important thing, right now, in this present moment," it can really, really be helpful. Teri Hales 30:30 It also can help with that attention span thing that I was telling you about. Whenever we're overwhelmed, we can feel really scattered, because there are so many things that need our attention. When we can bring it back to the present, and just remind ourselves, "This is the most important thing in this moment," it can help us focus our attention and actually move forward and get things done, so that that thing moves off of our list. And then we can focus on the next important thing. Teri Hales 31:03 So, if you feel like you have lots of pressing things on, you just ask, "What is the most important thing right now?" And then take care of that with focus. And then, once that one is done, then you can ask yourself, "What's the next most important thing?" It can just slow things down and allow us to focus so that we can move forward and actually start unpacking some of the stressors in our life. Teri Hales 31:29 Okay, the third reason we get overwhelmed is we're not setting healthy boundaries with ourselves or with others. When we say yes to everyone and everything, there is less or no time for the things we really want to do. Teri Hales 31:43 Just like what we were talking about before, really get clear with yourself about what your top one to three priorities are. When it feels like the whole world is clamoring for your time and your attention, it helps if you're like, "What are my top priorities right now? Where do I want to put my time and effort? What is the most important to me?" Teri Hales 32:06 And then, if it's not one of those things, if it doesn't fit into one of those things, say no. "What are my top one to three priorities?" Right now, it's helping my son be successful in school. It's taking care of myself. And it's getting this app off the ground. Teri Hales 32:27 Those are my three top priorities. That means if someone wants to become a new client right now, it's a no. That means if someone wants me to speak on their podcast right now, it's a no. Even though these are things I really want to do, right now, it's not one of my top three priorities, which is helping my son figure out high school, making sure that I am taking care of myself (because, when I take care of myself, I just naturally show up better in life, and in my relationships), and this app feels incredibly important to me. Teri Hales 33:06 So if it's not one of those three things, it is not a priority. And it's not something I'm saying yes to right now. So give yourself some time to really figure out, "What are my top one to three priorities right now? What are the couple of things I really want to put my energy behind and move forward?" Allow those things to drive your decisions right now. If it doesn't fall in one of those three categories, say no so that you can say yes your top couple of priorities and move those things forward. Teri Hales 33:40 And, the cool thing is, is your priorities are going to change. As you move those things forward, as my son figures out high school and as he gets more adept at figuring out his schedule, and learns how to navigate this new part of his life, that will become less of a priority for me, and I'll be able to prioritize something else. Teri Hales 34:01 But, for right now, one to three priorities. You cannot prioritize 50 things. You can't prioritize even ten things. I would say, at the most, no more than five priorities. What are your top priorities? If it doesn't fall into that—and if it's not something you're, like, wildly excited, or feel wildly called to do? Say no. It will help so much with the overwhelm. Teri Hales 34:28 Number four: you are lacking in the self-care department. Self-care can be so hard. When we start getting stressed, so often, one of the first things we let fall by the wayside is our own self care. Teri Hales 34:44 I was telling you earlier, in all of this whirlwind, without even realizing it, I stopped meditating. I stopped dancing. I stopped going and lifting weights. I stopped going out in nature. I stopped getting enough sunshine. I stopped really taking care of me. I stopped cooking new recipes, you guys, I stopped doing a lot of journaling and a lot of checking in with myself because I was in survival mode. Teri Hales 35:13 When we're in survival mode, we revert back to old patterns. Putting myself last was an old survival pattern. We revert back to old patterns when we're stressed, when we're overwhelmed. Bring yourself back. Quiet time is going to be important. Checking in with yourself is going to be important. Making sure that you get to play and rest and sleep and relax is going to be so important for the overwhelm. Teri Hales 35:42 If you find that self-care is something that you've also let go, get curious with yourself. Here are some of the questions I ask myself. I remember sitting about a couple weeks ago, and asking myself, "What's going on? Why am I not taking care of myself? Why do I not see myself as a priority right now?" And listen for what bubbles up. Teri Hales 36:08 The things that bubble up, as they bubble into awareness, will give you the power to then correct them. I told myself things like, "I don't have time for this," which is hogwash. Yes, there's a lot to do. But I'm being a lot less productive just spinning my wheels than if I would take even 20 minutes with myself to hear my inner wisdom, and know what I need to say yes to and what I need to get off my plate, so that I can actually be effective and not so stressed out. Teri Hales 36:44 This week—just this week!—the last week of September, I started reading a book called The Artist's Way. And I really kind of kicked and screamed about that, because I was so busy. I didn't have time to read a book. And then—the audacity!—she suggests that I write, longhand, three pages every single day. That meant I had to get up 30 minutes earlier to write these three pages, longhand, every single day. And I kicked and screamed and fought that all week long. Teri Hales 37:19 But I can tell you, after doing it for a full week, by about day three, I really started to hear myself again. I really got clear about what my priorities were. I really heard what my inner child needs, what my inner artists needs, what I need, just as an adult, what I'm craving, what I'm resenting what, I'm jealous of what I'm angry about, what I'm frustrated about. And I heard what I want to do about it. Teri Hales 37:48 I was so stubborn. I was like, "No, no, no, I'll just check in while I'm doing dishes. No, no, no, I'll just check in while I'm driving." I know better, and I fell into these patterns again, because I'm in overwhelm. I'm in stress. So, of course, I go back to what I know best. I go back to what I did most of my life. And there's no shame in that. There's just getting curious with it, and then correcting it. And doing what we know is healthier. Teri Hales 38:18 And what is healthier is hearing our inner wisdom tell us what to do, hearing our inner knowing tell us what we need in order to thrive. And so, as I've gotten curious with myself, I've heard myself say, "I crave this. I need five minutes of that. I need to make sure that I'm doing this." Teri Hales 38:37 They're little, small things. My inner self doesn't require much. It's not asking for a one-week vacation in Hawaii (though that would be amazing), it's asking for meditation for a few minutes in the morning. It's asking for a little bit of time in the sunshine, in nature. It's asking for dance time. It's asking to paint, or to cook, or to do something creative. Teri Hales 39:03 And it's asking me to push things off of my plate that aren't priorities right now, so that I can make time for those things. Listen to your inner wisdom. It knows the way, It knows you better than anyone. And it will tell you what you need, and how you can get through the overwhelm that you're experiencing. Teri Hales 39:24 I find that, whenever I'm getting in touch with my inner wisdom, especially when I'm coming with that attitude of, "Everything's important, I have to do everything the whole world is on my shoulders," all those things...my inner wisdom is the one that's, like, "That's not important. That one can wait for a month. That is important, but we're not going to do that until next year." Teri Hales 39:44 My inner wisdom was able to help me have conversations with people about big things that are coming up. And all of us realized we needed a chance to rest. We all had a lot on our plates. We had all said yes to things that felt like burdens right now. And just even being vulnerable about that and saying, "Hey, I'm overwhelmed right now. And I'm not giving us my best effort. Could we revisit this in January?" It's like, there was a collective sigh of relief of, "Actually, that feels really good to me, too." Teri Hales 40:18 I think so often, we're afraid that if we come and say, "Actually, right now, this really isn't working for me, could we push this back three weeks? Could we push this back a couple of months? Could we change the way we're doing it? Could we change the concept?" I think we're afraid we're gonna look like we're wishy-washy, or we're unreliable. But reliability is knowing your limits, communicating them clearly, so that you can do what you say you're going to do. Teri Hales 40:46 If you know months ahead of time, "I'm not going to be able to do that," say it as soon as you know it. If you committed to something, and then life threw you a curveball, say something. If you committed to something, and then it didn't feel like it was a priority, it didn't fit with your values for right now or your vision for right now, say something. Teri Hales 41:10 People appreciate honesty and vulnerability, and, very often, it brings up for them some of their own expectations and limitations. People respect people who are honest and in integrity, and are reliable, and can communicate that. Teri Hales 41:26 Okay, the next reason we might be feeling overwhelmed is we're trying to run on empty! Raise your hand—Raise them both! I've got both of mine high above my head!—if you've ever tried to keep going on little to no sleep, if you've ever tried to work through the night. Teri Hales 41:45 Can I just tell you? My deeply-programmed subconscious patterns of dealing with overwhelm have kicked in hardcore over the last couple of months. I can't tell you how often I thought to myself, "You know what? If I just like pulled an all nighter, I might be able to get everything done and get caught up again. And then it would be fine." Teri Hales 42:07 You guys, I'm 41! I am not 21. Maybe at 21, I could have pulled an all nighter, studied for a college exam, gone in the next day, and passed it. Do you know how long it takes me to recover from pulling an all nighter now? I won't be recovered next month. That is not going to help me. Teri Hales 42:26 We're not meant to run on empty. We're not meant to run on no sleep. We're not meant to run without any self-care. We're not meant to run without enjoyment and fun. We are not robots. We're not machines. We require rest and sleep to function properly. Teri Hales 42:44 You are not supposed to be productive all of the time. Yes, there are times where there's a big push, maybe for a week, maybe for two weeks, but if it's sustained? Like it has been for me? Like, back in August, I was telling myself, "It's just a couple of weeks." And, if it had been a couple of weeks, that would have been fine. Teri Hales 43:01 But when a couple of weeks became four weeks, then became six weeks, then became eight weeks...we've got a different animal on our hands. I am not meant to function on little to no sleep, on little to no play, on little to no free and personal time, on little to no creative time, for eight weeks. I am just not built that way. And neither are you. Teri Hales 43:26 We need rest. We need play. We need time to just let our mind wander. We need time where we're not being productive. Teri Hales 43:36 Check in with yourself if you're feeling overwhelmed and ask yourself: are you getting adequate rest? Are you getting adequate sleep? When was the last time you did something just for the fun of it, not to be productive? When was the last time you did something that filled you up? And, if it's been a while, how are you going to make that a priority? Because if you're not at full charge, you can't do anything else, not for a sustained period of time. Teri Hales 44:08 We're only able to do the work we're meant to do if our battery's charged. We can't function on an empty battery. So if you're feeling empty, if you're feeling overwhelmed, it's time to recharge. It's time to find out what you need to fill the bucket. Teri Hales 44:23 Number six: we might be feeling overwhelmed if we're expecting ourselves to be perfect. Where are my fellow perfectionists at? I told you! Every single one of these you guys, every single one of these are something that I've had to work through, again, in the past month. Teri Hales 44:40 If nothing ever feels like enough, if you're not enough in yourself, check to see, are you expecting yourself to be perfect? I promise you, no one else expects you to be perfect (and, if they do, remind yourself that they're not perfect). Teri Hales 44:53 We are all messy humans. We all deserve to get to show up and be fully human. We all deserve to get to make mistakes, to fall short of expectations sometimes, to deal with curveballs, to break down. It's okay. You don't have to have it all together. Release the pressure. You get to be human. You're you're best when you're human. You're your most connective when you're human. You are beautiful, and worthy, and enough, as a human. Teri Hales 45:30 And last: we often feel overwhelmed because we're lacking self-awareness and mindfulness. So, we talked about this a little bit when we were talking about setting healthy boundaries and self-care. It is so important to check in with your inner self. Teri Hales 45:48 Being aware of what's going on inside of us is going to help us notice when we're getting close to the edge before we fall over it. Before we break down. Before we're freaking out. Before that last-straw moment. Teri Hales 45:48 When we're checking in with ourselves, we're going to notice that we're stressed. We're going to notice that we need rest. We're going to notice that we're craving creative time. We're going to notice that we're in sensory overload and we need a break from the noise and the notifications. Teri Hales 46:16 Take time to be mindful, take time to be self-aware. Make dates with yourself. Have a stream-of-consciousness journaling session. Meditate. Do some yoga. Get out in nature. Go on a drive by yourself. Whatever it takes to connect with your inner knowing. And listen to what it has to say. Teri Hales 46:40 As I've done these seven things—as I've asked myself these questions, as I've sat with myself—solutions have come to mind. Is it perfect yet? No. Am I still working through things? Absolutely. But I have a much clearer idea of what's important to me right now...and what can wait. Teri Hales 47:02 I have a much clearer idea of what I want to do, and what really just is frivolous stuff that I felt like I was expected to do. I've been able to release things that I don't have control over. I've allowed others to step in and do things that I would normally do myself. I've allowed others to step in, and hold and support me, and serve me so that I can sleep, so that I can get the rest that I need, and so that I can have creative playtime with myself. Teri Hales 47:37 You deserve care, too. Your overwhelm is a reminder that you are not here to sacrifice yourself completely for the benefit of others. You deserve care, too. You deserve rest and relaxation and creativity, too. Teri Hales 47:59 So, if you're going through overwhelm, really get curious with yourself. Sit with yourself. This is a time for more self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love. Really hold yourself and be a friend to yourself as you move through this. And give yourself permission to do what is best for you. Teri Hales 48:24 And, if there's still a lot on your plate, things that can't be taken off of your plate, start looking for ways that you can find support to get done the things that need to get done and still take care of you. Teri Hales 48:40 Thank you so much for joining me today. Thanks for listening to what's going on in my life. Thanks for allowing me to be human with you. I think that there's something really beautiful about realizing that we don't have to be superhuman to make a difference in the world. We don't have to be superhuman in order to fulfill our hearts desires and the things we feel called to do. Teri Hales 49:03 We get to be human. We get to be messy. We get to be paradoxical. We get to be people who are learning. We get to be people who are making mistakes. We get to be people who are problem-solving. Teri Hales 49:14 We don't have to have it together all the time. It's okay for us to be figuring things out. It's okay for us to be problem-solving. It's okay for us to be messy. It's okay for us to be overwhelmed. And it's okay for us to be learning from the overwhelm. Teri Hales 49:31 Thank you so much for joining me. I have high hopes for this upcoming week, as I continue to take things off of my plate and continue to make plans for what I can do for the curveballs that life is throwing us right now. And I know that, not only will I learn from this, but I'll become stronger and freer through this experience. And I know you will, too. Teri Hales 49:56 As we work through our overwhelm, we build self-trust with our selves. And we give ourselves tools that we'll use, now and forevermore in the future, to create the lives that we want. And that's what I want for all of us. Thank you, thank you for joining me today, thanks for spending your time with me, and I will see you next Sunday.